S.U.R.F.F.ing the Wave of Parental Wellness: Self-Advocacy, Unconditional Love, Rest, Friends, and Fun
Written by Kristi Yeh, LMFT
Parenting is filled with many beautiful moments, but it can also be overwhelming and tiring. Nurturing children becomes easier when parents have the space for emotional nourishment and rest. Surfing the wave of parental wellness involves not only tending to the needs of our children but also taking care of ourselves through self-advocacy, unconditional love, ample rest, the support of friends, and embracing the fun side of life. In this blog, we will explore how these five pillars of self-care contribute to a more joyful and rich parenting experience.
Self-Advocacy: Setting Boundaries for Your Well-being
Self-advocacy is the practice of communicating and asserting your wants and needs.
As parents, we often prioritize the needs of our children above our own, neglecting our emotional and physical well-being. In addition, women are often conditioned to be nurturers instead of advocating for their wants. Some cultures also promote group harmony over individuals asserting themselves. However, self-advocacy is a vital aspect of parental wellness. Learn to set clear boundaries and communicate your needs to those around you, whether it's requesting support from your partner or seeking help from family and friends. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, but a meaningful way to invest in your well-being that benefits you and your loved ones.
Self-advocacy, as espoused by Nedra Tawwab in "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," embodies the transformative act of valuing one's needs, emotions, and boundaries with assertiveness. It involves empowering oneself to communicate effectively, expressing desires, and safeguarding personal well-being. Through self-awareness and courage, individuals can embrace their authentic selves, acknowledging that advocating for their rights and limits is neither selfish nor confrontational but an essential aspect of fostering healthy relationships and inner tranquility. Tawwab's approach encourages individuals to dismantle the notion that setting boundaries equates to strife and discomfort, instead cultivating an environment of understanding and self-respect. Although this is not easy for many people, over time communicating your boundaries becomes less stressful and it can foster a newfound sense of peace and emotional freedom.
Sometimes parents get nervous to change the dynamic when setting boundaries, which results in long-winded explanations.
Try these succinct prompts and scripts to get in touch with your wants and needs, and to practice through journaling, role-play, or simply aloud in the bathroom how to self-advocate:
“I want…”
“I need…”
“I would appreciate your help with…”
“I’m interested in that project, but I’ll need two more weeks.”
“I’m not able to take that on right now.”
“That won’t work for me, but thank you for thinking of me.”
An impactful supervisor once shared the wisdom that not everyone deserves your explanation, so think about what you want to share based on that particular relationship. In addition, therapy or other types of emotional support can help you practice these skills over time. Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t able to self-advocate the way you desire after reading this blog–change takes time and practice.
Unconditional Love: Cultivating Kindness Towards Ourselves
Parental wellness begins with self-compassion and unconditional love towards ourselves. We are human, and making mistakes is a part of our precious humanity. Embrace imperfections, forgive yourself, and be gentle if parental guilt arises. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you extend to your children or dear friends. When we fill our own hearts with love, we can actually make healthy and sustainable changes. Many mistakenly believe that by being harsh with ourselves will lead to greater achievement, but eventually using your inner critic to motivate yourself decreases your ability to take risks and reach your personal and professional goals.
Researcher Kristin Neff shares more about self-compassionate motivation and other self-compassion research in her book "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself." Self-compassion can be a transformative and nurturing practice, offering solace and understanding in times of self-criticism and distress. Neff encourages individuals to treat themselves with the same warmth, empathy, and care they extend to loved ones. Through the lens of self-compassion, one learns to replace self-judgment with self-acceptance, acknowledging that mistakes and struggles are universal experiences. By fostering a gentle inner dialogue and offering oneself grace, individuals can cultivate a reservoir of emotional resilience and genuine self-love.
For more about how to add more self-compassion to your life as a busy parent, you can read 5 Ways to Practice Forgiveness and Self-Compassion by Kristi Yeh.
Rest: Recharging the Parental Soul
The daily demands of parenting can leave us feeling drained and fatigued. Rest is not a luxury but a necessity for parental well-being. Prioritize sleep and create a bedtime routine that allows you to unwind and prepare for a restful night. Our kids don’t always respect our bedtime routines and needs, but making a consistent effort to prioritize rest will add up over time. Take short breaks during the day, such as a cat nap or a few minutes of closing your eyes, to rejuvenate your mind and spirit.
In Tricia Hersey's thought-provoking book "Rest is Resistance," the power of rest is unveiled as a revolutionary act of self-preservation and social change. Hersey challenges the prevailing culture of constant busyness and productivity, asserting that true resistance lies in embracing rest as a radical act of self-care and reclaiming one's right to peace and restoration. By examining the historical and societal implications of denying rest to marginalized communities, the book sheds light on the oppressive nature of a world that often devalues downtime. Through the lens of rest, Hersey empowers individuals to dismantle the harmful narratives of exhaustion and burnout, recognizing that true strength lies in honoring one's own boundaries and well-being. By centering rest as a form of resistance, Hersey calls for a collective shift towards a more equitable and compassionate society, where rest is celebrated as a source of healing, empowerment, and transformation for individuals and communities alike.
Friends: Nurturing a Supportive Community
Parenting can sometimes be isolating, but surrounding yourself with a supportive community of friends can make a world of difference. Seek out parents who acknowledge the rollercoaster of raising children, and that you feel comfortable being yourself around. Share experiences, seek advice, or simply vent when needed. Having a support system can provide emotional validation and practical tips, making parenthood feel less overwhelming.
In "Friendship" by Lydia Denworth, the emotional and physical benefits of nurturing friendships will inspire you to reevaluate the belief that friendships are secondary to the demands of adulthood. Through storytelling and rigorous research, the book reveals the transformative power of friendships in shaping our identities, offering a sense of belonging, and providing crucial support during life's trials and triumphs. Denworth's insightful analyses unravel the complexities of maintaining and nurturing adult friendships, highlighting the unique challenges and rewards that come with these relationships. From strengthening our resilience to improving our overall health, this book reminds us that investing in meaningful connections and savoring the moments of camaraderie can lead to a more fulfilling life.
Check out “11 Ways to Create Community as a Parent” by Kristi Yeh for more about nurturing your friendships after becoming a parent.
Fun: Rediscovering Joy in Adulthood
Amidst the responsibilities of parenting, remember that your kids don’t have a monopoly on fun! Letting your hair down is needed to offset the routine, scheduling, and mental load of parenting. Engage in activities that bring you joy and allow you to let loose and be carefree. Whether it's pursuing a hobby, dancing, singing, or playing games, embrace the playful side of life. When we have fun, we create lasting memories and strengthen our bond with our loved ones.
In "The Power of Fun: How to Feel Alive Again" by Catherine Price, we are given the tools to infuse more fun into our lives. Price shares actionable steps to rediscover the art of playfulness and enjoyment amidst the demands of modern life. By encouraging readers to prioritize activities that genuinely bring them joy, whether big or small, and to create space for spontaneity and exploration, she empowers individuals to break free from routines and stress. The book encourages us to approach fun as a necessary and transformative aspect of our well-being, reminding us to savor moments of delight, connect with our inner child, and unleash our creative spirit.
Created by Kristi YehEnjoy the Fun Guide inspired by Price’s book in the Free downloads and resources section of the Parent Self-Care blog.
“But what we don’t realize is that, far from being frivolous or selfish, the pursuit of fun will help us achieve all of these goals. Life is not a zero-sum equation: we can care about fun and be conscientious citizens who are committed to improving the world—indeed, fun can give us more energy with which to do so. And if we want our own lives to be satisfying and joyful, True Fun isn’t optional. It shouldn’t be an afterthought. It should be our guiding star.”
Surfing the wave of parental wellness is an ongoing journey that requires self-awareness and intentional efforts. Embrace self-advocacy, unconditional love, rest, the support of friends, and the importance of fun in your life. By prioritizing your well-being, you create a positive ripple effect that enhances the overall well-being of your family. So, ride the wave of self-care with compassion, and watch as your parenting experience becomes more fulfilling and freaking fun!
Kristi Yeh is a parent of two, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in California for over ten years. She currently works in school-based mental health at a public elementary and middle school. A part of Kristi’s role entails discussing self-care with parents. Research shows that the better the adults take care of themselves, the healthier our children are at home and school. Yeh is also the author of Self-Care 101: Self-Care Inspiration for Busy Parents and The 3 Cs of Parental Well-Being: Curiosity, Compassion + Community.
