Parenthood can be lonely. Maybe you’re on maternity or paternity leave and you don’t have any friends that also have young children. Maybe you didn’t realize that different nap schedules make such a difference. Maybe it’s been hard to stay in touch with friends that live far away and your friendships haven’t survived. Maybe you haven’t wanted to make new friends in a long time, and your skills are rusty. Maybe you live far away from family while raising your own. Maybe you have family members nearby, but they aren’t healthy options for support.

American parents are struggling emotionally in a culture that often values individuality over community. In an article by Peter Dockrill, “Parental Burnout’ in The US Is Among The Highest in The World, and We May Know Why,” the US ranks as having the second highest parental burnout rate among 42 countries. This study, conducted by researchers from UCLouvain in Belgium, defines parental burnout as feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, disconnected from your children, and viewing your parenting skills as ineffective. Parents feel it’s their fault for experiencing burnout, instead of looking at the structural and cultural factors that are a setup for feeling inadequate.

While there are systemic changes (e.g. more accessible high-quality childcare, better postpartum support from medical providers and mental health clinicians, increased paid family leave, etc.) that can shift the experience of American parents to one of less pressure, there are also things you can do now to increase your sense of connection and well-being. Here are concrete ideas for creating or enhancing your parenting community, and in turn, the well-being of yourself and your family.

11 Ways to Create Community as a Parent

Online community. While there are some things that can’t replace in-person connection, a digital community is a great option for parents. This is true for parents of young children that can connect on their phone while they are up at odd hours feeding and trying to get children back to sleep. You can try parenthood and parenting Instagram accounts or Facebook groups. I used a Facebook group for first-time mothers when my children were young, and I found it useful to see what other parents were doing about sleep and feeding issues or navigating new phases of motherhood. I’ve enjoyed connecting with other parents and mental health professionals on Instagram though @parentselfcare. I also started Parent Self-Care during the beginning of COVID to feel a sense of community when I was not able to safely see family and friends.

online parent sommunity parent self carepng

Online parenting groups or workshops. Virtual parenting groups and workshops have taken off even more during the pandemic. The internet has made it easy for people with specific interests to connect from all over the world, so get as niche as you’d like! It’s often easier to build connections when you have a specific interest in common.

Parenting groups run by reputable professionals:

Famed psychotherapist, mother, and author Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. has a parent community called Office Hours
Hand in Hand Parenting runs the Parent Club
The Momfully You Academy created by therapist and mother Chastity Holcomb

Listening partnership from Hand in Hand Parenting. Listening partnerships are when two parents agree to set up time weekly in the beginning (for about an hour) where they take turns listening to each other about how they are doing with parenting. You can offload stressors, irritations, insecurities and the challenges that come with raising children. The trick is to mostly focus on listening to each other instead of trying to fix things, unless the other person asks for advice. Over time, many partnerships might become quick check-ins throughout the week or as needed. Taking time to express your feelings and process the ups and downs of parenting often leads to lower stress levels, an enhanced sense of connection, an increase in parenting confidence, and a stronger connection with your children.

This is a free peer-to-peer support option, and you don’t need to know someone really well to ask them about a listening partnership. If you seem fairly aligned in your parenting values and think you might connect well, send a prospective listening partner the blog and see if they are interested. Hand in Hand Parenting also offers a course about listening partnerships to get you started. I did a listening partnership when I transitioned from being a mother of one, to a mother of two. I looked forward to those check ins, and it was a meaningful investment in my wellness, and therefore the wellness of my family.

Mom friend apps. I told my cousin right after I had my second child that moms need a Tinder app to meet other mom friends that are nearby with children of similar ages. We cheersed to the idea, I did nothing, and a year later he sent me an article about the Peanut app that does just that! I’ve also had friends that used local friend finding sites when they moved somewhere new with children. Once you are out of school, and if your job isn’t a place where you can make new friends or you work from home, it’s harder to make friends. If most people are finding partners through dating sites, why not use that technology to grow your parent community?!

Join the Parent Self-Care Group on Peanut

Volunteering or taking classes. If the in-person connection is your preference, you can try volunteering or taking classes where you can meet people with similar interests. I volunteer at my children’s school partly because I want an organic way to meet other parents with similar interests. Sometimes adding one more thing to my list feels overwhelming, but knowing that I’m making an investment in my community as a parent is something I value enough to make room for volunteering. I also took an art class at Paper Source before the pandemic, and I got to meet local art lovers in my city.

Joining local parenting groups or classes for younger children. During your maternity/paternity leave, or if you are a stay-at-home parent, local parenting groups and classes for kids are another wonderful way to meet more parents. There are many art or music classes for younger kids that are really for the adults to talk to each other. You can also try the baby-and-me classes so you can try to get a little yoga in with other parents. There are also baby bootcamp classes where you can get outside with other parents and move your body to get those endorphins going.

Support groups or group therapy for parents. You can look for local support groups or group therapy for parents. Many local therapists offer group therapy for parents to build connections, learn healthy coping tools, and have a safe place to share parenting struggles and parenting joys. For example, my podcast co-host Kjersti Nelson, LMFT leads running groups for mothers with young children. Individual therapy is also another way to expand your support network as a parent.

Church or other religious organizations. If you feel connected to a certain religion, often there are built-in support systems for new parents and families. Even if you haven’t been to a place of worship in a long time, this might be something to explore again as a parent.

Ask for the digits. It really is dating for parent friend matches. If you see a parent at the playground, strike up a conversation. There are some easy go-tos such as asking how old their children are, or complimenting them on something their child is wearing or doing. Try asking open-ended questions to keep the conversation going as well. If the parent seems like someone you might like to see again, you can ask them if they hangout at that playground often and would like to exchange information. If you get the digits, try to follow up in the next few weeks, otherwise the momentum can fizzle.

Befriend parents that have children that are a few years older than yours. The parents a year or two ahead of you have so much knowledge that can help you navigate new phases of parenthood. I’ve found this naturally happens when your oldest child befriends the younger sibling of a family. Especially as you enter the elementary school years, it’s helpful to have a friend that can tell you about the PTA or summer camps. It also helps in challenging times to know that phases do eventually pass, and being around parents who have lived through it is a helpful reminder. This tip comes from Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, author of Mommy Burnout.

Be patient and keep trying. It can take a few years to get your community started, but it only takes a few of the right people to help you feel more connected in parenthood. Be persistent, and keep putting yourself out there to create a community that will carry you through parenthood with a little more ease, joy, and support.

In an individualistic culture that talks a lot about self-care, perhaps what we need more of is community care.

“Self-care is about the individual caring for their own basic physical needs, whereas community care is focused on the collective: taking care of people together, for everything from basic physical needs to psychological and even spiritual ones. Community care is a recognition of the undeniable cooperative and social nature of human beings and involves a commitment to reduce harm simply through being together.” ~ Nakita Valerio

As activist and mother Nakita Valerio wrote, “Shouting ‘self-care’ at people who actually need community care is how we fail people.” What Valerio also referenced in her viral Facebook post is people within a collectivist culture often feel uncomfortable or selfish practicing self-care, while community care is experienced as more natural and meaningful. I think of community care as being part of relational and cultural self-care and/or wellness. However, relationships are interdependent and there is a place for self-care and community care. Depending on your values and culture, it doesn’t really matter what you call things, it matters that you do for yourself and others what enhances your wellness in a way that aligns with your values. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other, parents!

Community Building Resources for Parents

Instagram Accounts

@whoamama_blog for expecting mothers and maternal mental health
@i.am_anese.b for maternal mental health and NICU support
@drangelmontfort for perinatal mental health
@laurafroyenphd - balanced and respectful parenting + podcast
@mimosaswithmoms to support, empower and connect mothers to community + co-parenting + podcast
@blackmomsconnection provides a safe space for black moms to connect, encourage and inspire (website)
@mindbody.mamatherapist for practical self-care routines
@wildpeaceforparents - self-care and parenting support
@dr.annlouise.lockhart to parent with purpose and grace
@mindfulparentingcommunity - mindful parenting and mindful living
@find_that_pause - mindful parenting ideas
@momcomnyc - mom humor from a mother and stand up comedian
@daddinggreatly - mental health dadcovate
@dadswwpodcast - everything dad related podcast (listen to my interview with Dads Worldwide)
@p_m_h_support paternal mental health
@drchefsheehan - perinatal mental health from a father, professor and psychologist
@fathers_mentalhealth - paternal mental health + ADHD
@the.dad.vibes - responsive parenting from a dad’s perspective