Curiosity, compassion and community are three essential components to parental wellness. Curiosity is a less talked about element that boosts parental flexibility, resilience and creativity. Let’s dive into the three tools you can use to increase curiosity, wonder and flexibility in your parenting. First, let’s break down how curiosity can help you break through rigid thinking in the midst of parental stress. Second, let’s focus on one of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s mindfulness qualities of the Beginner’s Mind. Lastly, start your day by priming your mind for wonder and joy with Shauna Shapiro, Ph.D.’s Miracle Morning Question.

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Challenging Distorted Thinking With Curiosity

When things are stressful, one of the ways our brains cope is by trying to organize stressors into distorted ways of thinking. Cognitive distortions were coined by Dr. Aaron Beck in 1963. Beck went on to develop Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which focuses on how individuals perceive situations--therefore impacting future thoughts, behaviors and actions. Dr. Beck’s work has been researched for years, and it is often recommended as part of the treatment for depression and anxiety. There are around ten types of cognitive distortions, and here are four that I think apply often to parents. Even if you have not been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, we all experience distorted thinking--particularly during times of stress. And if you are a parent, you have experienced stress!

Catastrophizing - assuming the worst. Ex: “My toddler had a tantrum this morning, so today is going to be a bad day.”
Overgeneralizing - creating a pattern/assumption based on insufficient data. Ex: “My toddler woke up at night two times this week, my toddler will never sleep through the night again.”
All or Nothing Thinking - things are in one of two categories (e.g. good/bad, dirty/clean). Ex: “I forgot to do the dishes last night, the house is a mess.”
Personalization - taking external things personally when they aren't related. Ex: “My toddler had a breakdown during our outing, it's probably because I don't know what I’m doing.”

When our thinking becomes distorted, these thoughts tend to be unrealistic and oftentimes negative. These types of thoughts often lead to more feelings of stress/frustration/hopelessness, etc., behaviors such as repeating things that aren’t serving you, isolating, lashing out, etc., and continuing the cycle of distorted thoughts.

One way that you can challenge this type of distorted thinking is to add “I’m curious about…,” or, “I wonder if…,” before your statement. The trick with changing your self-talk is to keep it realistic (not overly positive) so you are more likely to believe the new self-talk. Here are some examples of how embracing curiosity can increase flexibility and resilience for parents.

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Note: Sometimes there are difficult phases of parenthood, and being curious isn't enough. But, challenging distorted thinking will still help ease some of your future thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Sample of Realistic Self-Talk: "Nothing lasts forever, and I will carve out time to brainstorm how I/we can get the support I/we want and need."

2. The Mindfulness Quality of a Beginner’s Mind

Professor Jon Kabat-Zinn outlines twelve mindfulness qualities in his book, “Full Catastrophe Living.” One of those qualities is particularly helpful in cultivating curiosity--Beginner’s Mind. This quality is about setting the intention to view things as if for the first time, even if you have done them many times before. This mindfulness quality is often explained by teachers as seeing things through your children's eyes, and experiencing the little joys that adults sometimes take for granted. I think about being curious about how fun and joyful it can be in the rain, instead of being annoyed the kids will be wet and it makes things messy when we get home. I also think of seeing things such as: birds, fire trucks, and rainbows through my children’s eyes--when I do, they’re pretty amazing!

You can read more in the wonderful book, "Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness" by Jon Kabat Zinn, Ph.D. It was one of the first books I read while studying with Dr. Shauna Shapiro in graduate school, and it’s stayed with me for over a decade. Kabat-Zinn’s book explains mindfulness with clarity and accessibility, and leaves you feeling more accepting of yourself and inspired to embrace the present moment.

3. The Miracle Morning Question

Lastly, the Miracle Question from Dr. Shapiro’s book, “Good Morning, I Love You: Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Practices to Rewire Your Brain for Calm, Clarity and Joy” is a simple and powerful way to increase curiosity, joy and awe.

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Ask yourself in the morning, "I wonder what magical and surprising thing will happen today?" This simple question will prime your brain for noticing enjoyable, beautiful and magical experiences in your daily life. What parent doesn’t need a little magic and newness in the sometimes monotonous daily routine?

I hope these three tools will help you embrace curiosity in your parenting. Here’s to more curiosity, wonder and magic in our daily life! If you want to read more about The 3 Cs of Parental Well-Being you can also check out the blog about 11 ways to build community.

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