The Parents’ Guide to Grace: 5 Ways to Practice Forgiveness + Self-Compassion

Emotional Self-Care
Written By Parent Self Care

Written by Kristi Yeh

Recently I shared on Parent Self-Care’s Instagram my definition of self-care for parents: Self-Care is turning some of the nurturing energy you give to your child, towards yourself. I then asked parents in a poll how they wanted to nourish themselves as they would their own children, and half of the respondents selected giving themselves the same grace they give their children. This inspired me to create the Parent’s Guide to Giving Themselves Grace. 

“Grace is about acceptance, forgiveness, love; and as hard and bitter as this is to swallow, it heals you unlike anything else. There is no magic formula, but those who are open to the possibility of it occurring and those who practice self-compassion will tell you that grace begins to mold together the fractures." 

~ Kristin Meekh

And while there is no quick fix or magic formula for complex emotional experiences, forgiveness, grace, and self-compassion are skills that can be practiced and sharpened over time. Here are five of my favorite practices that can help guide you towards the path of grace, instead of the path of criticism and perfectionism. 

“Good Morning, I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro, Ph.D.

The cornerstone self-compassion exercise in Shauna Shapiro, Ph.D.’s new book is a beautiful way to practice nourishing yourself as you would your child. All this practice entails is when you wake each morning, before you do anything, place your hand on your heart and say, “Good morning, I love you [name].” Many of us gush daily about how much we love our children, but we don’t often do the same for ourselves.You may feel silly, but over time this tender gesture of self-compassion will bloom.

self compassion shop parent self care

Look at a Photo of Yourself as a Child 

One of the reasons it is often difficult to treat our children with the same harshness we sometimes treat ourselves is because their appearance is a tangible reminder of their youth and innocence. Find a picture of you as a baby or young child, at a time before you remember having critical thoughts towards yourself. Look at that picture to help you cultivate an attitude of grace, forgiveness, and compassion for yourself.

You can deepen the practice by saying something to your younger self such as, "I deserve grace and compassion," "I am worthy as I am," or "May I forgive myself."

Keep the picture in a place that is easily accessible, or create an album on your phone so that you can call upon this practice as much as you would like going forward.

Grace Mantras

Just as there are old phrases that become well-practiced in our minds such as, “I really messed that up,” or “I was a sucky parent today,” we can also train our brain to build new neural pathways with alternative and accurate thoughts. Here are examples of some of my favorite mantras that cultivate feelings of grace, compassion, forgiveness, authenticity and courage. 

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It is easier to practice new mantras if you have taken some time when you are calm to write down affirmations using the language and tone that matches your unique voice so that you can call upon them in times of distress. It is always more difficult to access our healthier coping tools when we are upset, so taking some time to jot your mantras down beforehand is something kind you can do for yourself.

Press Pause on Your Inner Critic

Kristin Neff, Ph.D. and Christopher Germer, Ph.D. share in their Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, the American culture often focuses on kindness towards others, but not towards ourselves. This message in addition to how our caretakers spoke to us and themselves growing up, contributes to the critical voice all of us have. However, we also have a voice of self-compassion and grace.

inner critic tape kristi yeh parent self care

If you catch yourself beating yourself up repeatedly for a mistake, you can try:

  • Pausing and taking a breath

  • Acknowledging what is happening, "my inner critic is big right now"

  • Choosing to pause the tape and talking to a friend, going for a walk, watching a TV show, giving yourself a hug, doing a forgiveness meditation, etc.

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook is my favorite resource for exploring your inner critic and growing your ability to give yourself grace during difficult times. 

Forgiveness Meditation

Lastly, I love this beautiful Forgiveness Meditation from Jack Kornfield featured in Shauna Shapiro’s book, “Good Morning, I Love You.”

  • Set an intention to cultivate forgiveness. Bring your attention to the present moment with an attitude of kindness and curiosity.

  • Focus on your breath flowing in and out. Think about the ways you have harmed or abandoned yourself.

  • Choose a specific incident and allow yourself to feel the sorrow.

  • Begin to silently repeat, “I forgive myself or may I forgive myself.”

  • This practice can stir up emotions, and forgiveness cannot be rushed. With continued gentle practice, your heart will heal and release the burdens of the past when ready.

You can also listen to a free recording from self-compassion experts Kristin Neff, Ph.D. and Christopher Germer, Ph.D on their websites.

There is no pressure to use all these skills at once, this blog is meant to be a resource you can return to as needed. In addition to these tips and resources below, therapy can be a wonderful way to safely and compassionately move towards grace and away from perfectionism. I have grown and benefited from these practices over the years, as staying on the road of grace and compassion is an ongoing practice. 

Grace, Forgiveness + Self-Compassion Resources

Books

Websites

Meditation Apps

TED Talks

Workshops and Groups

Self-Compassion Resources for Children

Parent Self Care https://parentselfcare.com
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