I got to talk with the founders of Decoding Couples, therapists Rachel Facio and Stacey Sherrell, about how to share the parental workload during a pandemic. We focused on the over-functioning and neutral or under-functioning dynamic in a relationship, and five ways to make healthy changes that last.

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What Does it Mean to Over-Function in a Relationship?
Some of the key signs of over-functioning in a relationship are if you believe you can do the job best or that it won’t get done if you don’t do it. These tasks could be household chores or activities related to child rearing, such as managing distance learning. In addition, a person that tends to over-function associates their worth with being productive.

If you identify as over-functioning, here are five suggestions from Decoding Couples to help restore balance in your parenting partnership.

Step 1: Acknowledge You are Over-Functioning
If you have been over-functioning for a long time, it almost always leads to feelings of irritability, resentment and burnout. Although these feelings are often viewed as negative, all emotions serve a purpose. Feelings of anger and resentment are often a sign that a boundary needs to be adjusted. In this case, that could indicate a need to revisit the roles and responsibilities between you and your partner.

Stacey points out that it is often difficult for over-functioners to slow down and reflect, because their worth is tied to business and productivity. She suggests taking some down time to feel your feelings and reflect about where your resentment is coming from, and how to better tend to your wants and needs.

Step 2: Start a Conversation with Your Partner
Once you’ve taken time to think about what you want and need, find a time to talk to your partner when things are more relaxed. It’s tough right now to find time when you aren’t too tired or stressed, but it’s worth waiting for a calmer moment.

The key script from Decoding Couples focuses on using I statements about how you feel, and focusing on teamwork for solutions.

Example: “I’m feeling resentful, and I think I’m doing too much, what can we do to fix this?”

Step 3: Redefining Roles + Responsibilities
Rachel and Stacey referred to the book, “Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)” by Eve Rodsky as a wonderful resource for managing the parental workload.

One tip for dividing up responsibilities is to do it based on values and interests instead of randomly assigning tasks. For example, if one partner hates washing dishes, but doesn’t mind putting them away, then there is a natural way to divide up tasks instead of being continually frustrated that your partner won’t wash the dishes.

Step 4: Making Lasting Change
It is natural for anyone to resist change, even if it is something positive. Change means newness, and old unhealthy habits often feel comfortable simply because they’re familiar. Stacey suggests a change mantra such as, “living through change takes time” to help grow your patience and resilience when trying new things.

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Also, Rachel points out that over-functioners are often guilty of not giving their partners enough time to try doing things differently. The over-functioners are often the ones reverting back to old patterns before the under or neutral-functioning partner has time to try out their new role. It can help if each person shares with their partner how they want to be reminded if they are slipping back into old roles and routines.

Step 5: Be Kind to Yourself When Trying Something New
Over-functioners are often high achievers. Try not to criticize yourself harshly if things don’t go exactly as planned—progress is still progress. Also, remember our current context. We are almost a year into a global pandemic that has increased our collective stress as parents enormously. Sweeping change may not be possible right now, but there are always some things we can do.

If you want more tools and support you can explore Decoding Couple’s Instagram, website, newsletters, and upcoming workshops. And, as Decoding Couples reminded us recently on Instagram, couples therapy is always there to offer more support, and you don’t need to be in crisis to justify therapy with your partner. Creating lasting and meaningful change in your relationship takes time, grace, patience, and compassion.

FREE: 8 Ways to Boost Relationship Satisfaction Download

Watch the full conversation to learn more about coming back from burnout, and foundational relationship tips that can boost connection regardless of your relationship dynamic.

Go gently and take good care friends!