The Parent Self-Care Guide to Couples: 9 Ways to Boost Relationship Satisfaction

CoronavirusRomantic RelationshipsRelational Self-CareRelationship TipsRelationship AdviceMarriage AdviceHealthy CommunicationConflict Resolution

Apr 19

Written By Parent Self Care

Written by Kristi Yeh, LMFT

Part of our overall wellness is defined by the health of the important relationships in our life. As parents we can get lost in putting our kids so high on the priority list that we neglect ourselves, our friends, and our romantic partner. Also, adding kids into the mix is a game-changer for the romantic relationship. If you are looking for a relationship recharge after a year of pandemic parenting (who isn’t?), here are my top nine recommendations for investing in your partnership.

Keep Dating Each Other (No Matter How Long You’ve Been Together)

Therapist's recommend one date a week for couples. If you told me this when my kids were very young I would’ve laughed in your face. This may not be realistic for the season of parenthood that you are in, but it is the most common and effective homework a couples therapist will assign. Tuck this recommendation into your back pocket and do your best to work towards the weekly date night.

Date night in with young children, during COVID and/or to save money. These dates can still be special when you cook a nice meal, order take out, try a new dessert, or savor your favorite beverage. You can come up with movie or game themes. Bonus for putting your phones away, this is when the magic happens!
Try a date night in box or date planning service for new ideas.
Learning something new together creates more vivid memories. Try a Zoom cooking class or book a lesson together (e.g. rock climbing).
Do something that gets your adrenaline going such as a steep hike or surfing. Sharing experiences that seem a bit scary and exciting can create a strong bond.
If you don't have childcare for date time, spend time brainstorming together. This could be asking for babysitter recommendations from friends or arranging a kid swap with a family you trust so you can each get some time without kids for your relationship.

2. Don’t Take Each Other for Granted

In a safe partnership, we let our walls down and can be our authentic self. We don’t monitor our behavior the way we would at work or with strangers because there is comfort and security in the partnership. The trick is to savor the benefits of comfort and safety, while also reminding yourself to treat your partner with the same politeness and respect you give to people once you leave your house. Also, even if they always take out the trash and pack lunch for the kids, try to be mindful of noticing and appreciating all they do. Everyone feels good when their hard work is noticed and appreciated!

Say goodbye and greet your partner each day (even if you are WFH) with eye contact, a smile, and maybe even a kiss!
Be polite, say please and thank you.
Surprise your partner with thoughtful (not necessarily expensive) gifts just because.
Catch your partner doing the things you appreciate. Make the most of this tip by writing down five specific appreciations each week and sharing them with your partner.

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3. Invest in Your Emotional Bank Account

Don't wait until things feel better to turn towards each other, this often keeps couples in a cycle of disconnection and frustration. Write a mantra to help assume positive intent and invest in your emotional bank account.

Here are the key things to know about your emotional bank account from a blog by Christopher Dollard on The Gottman Institute’s blog.

3 Ways to Manage Your Emotional Bank Account:

Satisfied couples focus on increasing deposits (positive interactions) and minimizing withdrawals (negative interactions)
During conflict couples should aim for 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction
During everyday life couples should aim for 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction

Note: These deposits are the small everyday gestures, not the grand gestures. Things to consider are taking time to listen to your partner's current stressors, being affectionate, and giving compliments.

4. Boost Affection and Increase Physical Intimacy

After a year of pandemic parenting, here are nine ways to increase affection and intimacy in your relationship:

Hold hands more often.

Give each other massages. Look up YouTube videos for new technique ideas or take a class.
Savor a 20-second hug every day from Burnout by Emily + Amelia Nagoski.
Enjoy a 6-second kiss every day from the Gottman Institute.
Cuddle together on the couch and watch a show without phones.
Take a romantic nap together setting the mood with lighting, fresh sheets, etc. I love this idea from Decoding Couples.
Schedule sex. Most couples often reject this idea because it doesn't seem romantic and spontaneous. However, you might find yourself being more loving or playful that day of the week because you know sex is on the schedule. This is often helpful for parents because certain seasons of parenthood mean time is limited.
Do some choreplay. Surprise your partner by taking some chores off their list, it often leads to more physical intimacy.
Try The Gottman Card Deck app to get conversations going about physical intimacy and love maps.

5. Compromise is Key

No one has the right to bulldoze in a relationship. Bulldozing means making a decision regardless of their partner's opinions, objections and/discomfort.

Instead of bulldozing, try these tips for compromising:

Do your best to listen with respect and curiosity. Allow yourselves time to take breaks and come back to the issue. You don't need to solve the issue in one day.
Go back and forth coming up with an idea for a compromise and share why it works for you and why you think it might work for your partner. Continue for as long as it takes to find a compromise that is tolerable for both of you.
Try couples therapy. Sometimes a neutral third party helps keep the conversation from becoming too heated and they can offer flexible alternatives that might be too hard to see when you're locked in the tunnel vision of a standoff.

6. Fight Fair

All couples have conflict. The only difference between healthy couples and unhealthy couples is that healthy couples practice fighting fair.

Here are five ways to fight fair:

Pick a time that is off limits to fight after, such as 9PM. Just like our kids, tired parents can't regulate their emotions as well and often the conversations aren't productive.
Stay on topic. The natural urge is to bring up all past grievances and lay out your case like a lawyer, if you notice that happening give yourself a time out.
Avoid universal statements such as, "you always...," or "you never..." It makes people defensive, and it's often not true.
Try to use as many "I" statements as possible. "I'm feeling...," or "I'm wanting...."
Pick a word or signal that either person can use to call a timeout (at least 20 minutes so your brains can cool down). If you need longer tell your partner so they don't feel abandoned.

7. Share the Parental Workload

Based on my collaboration with Decoding Couples and the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, here are six steps to help you recalibrate the parental workload:

Take time to reflect on if you are over-functioning or under-functioning
Slow down to think about your wants and needs
Talk to your partner using "I" statements, e.g. "I think I'm doing too much, what can we do to fix this?"
Divide up the parental workload based on tasks that what each person enjoys and/or is tolerable (e.g. one person washes the dishes, and the other unloads the dishwasher)
The toughest one is making room for change by giving your partner and yourself time to show up differently
Try a change mantra such as, "Living through change takes time" by Stacey of Decoding Couples

You can also watch the Instagram LIVE I did with Decoding Couples to learn more about sharing the parental workload.

8. Never Stop Working on Your Relationship

Here are seven ideas to help you continue to invest in your relationship.

Sign up for The Gottman Institute's FREE Marriage Minute newsletter with weekly tips for healthy relationships.
Read a couples' book together and have your own book club (see below for recommendations).
Take The 5 Love Languages Quiz by Gary Chapman.
Use The Gottman Card Deck App to learn more about your partner.
Try a self-paced couples course from Decoding Couples.
Research a couples workshop or retreat.
Try couples therapy.

9. Dream Together

Working towards a shared dream, honoring your dream and being supported by your partner, and witnessing your loved one fulfill their dreams is a deeply bonding and powerful experience. Sometimes the business of raising a family together and work means conversations about our dreams get pushed to the side, but dreams matter.

Ask your partner what their dreams are, and check in each year to see how their dreams have evolved.
Support your partner's dreams, it’s a form of respect and love.
Share your dreams with your partner.
Talk about your dream as a couple.

Gottman’s research indicates that relationship gridlock can stem from unfulfilled dreams. You can read more on The Gottman Institute blog, “Support Each Other’s Dreams.”

Here are my favorite resources for couples looking to invest in their relationship. Enjoy parents!