I have been a fan of Dr. Kristin Neff’s work since I read, “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” Since then, I have enjoyed Neff’s free self-compassion practices on her website, used her workbook to deepen my self-compassion practice, and attended her workshop about fierce self-compassion. I also teach self-compassion skills in school classrooms and individual and group therapy for clients of all ages. Neff’s work has benefited me and my clients so much that I created a free poster for families to hang up, and it is proudly displayed in the hallway outside my office so that any student in the middle school where I work can read about self-compassion as well.

Download the FREE Poster

What is Self-Compassion?

Neff defines self-compassion using six key elements. There are three elements of tender self-compassion, and three elements of fierce self-compassion. Neff describes tender self-compassion as a kind way to connect to ourselves.

Tender Self-Compassion Includes

Self-Kindness. Self-kindness might include compassionate touch, such as placing your hand on your heart and taking a breath for yourself. Self-kindness also includes speaking to yourself with compassion, just as you would a dear friend that was in pain.
Common Humanity. This aspect of self-compassion is learning to accept that you, and every other human, are worthy of compassion because we are human. All humans experience challenges and times of suffering, so this aspect of self-compassion is also about feeling a sense of community and not isolation during times of pain.
Mindfulness. This aspect of self-compassion is about seeing clearly and nonjudgmentally what your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are in the moment. When we are in pain, we tend to get swept up in that emotion and our inner critic might get louder. With mindfulness we try to take a step back and observe what is happening so that we can see more clearly. When we are connected to the present moment in a nonjudgmental way, it is often easier to discern what the next best thing is for us to do in a given situation.

Neff describes fierce self-compassion as taking action in the world to reduce suffering.

Fierce Self-Compassion Includes

Protecting. This aspect of fierce self-compassion can be focused on setting healthy boundaries or calling attention to inequities in the world. For example, this could mean saying no instead of saying yes out of obligation. This could mean calling out systemic racism in the workplace. Parents can harness their “parent bear” energy to help protect themselves, their children, and other groups or causes that need to be uplifted.
Providing. This might look like allowing our needs to take precedence over the needs of others at times. For parents, this often looks like taking a break from always putting our children or partner first and allowing our needs to be tended to as well.
Motivating. This part of fierce self-compassion is about taking action to alleviate pain. If you are in a harmful situation, this could mean asking for help so you can make a change through various community agencies, mental health providers or loved ones. This could also mean taking action to fight climate change, and alleviating suffering by reducing your carbon footprint.

When parents learn to integrate the soft and fierce aspects of self-compassion, we are a powerful force of compassion in the world.

Self-Compassion is a Practice, Not a Trait

The practice of self-compassion is simply that, a practice. Over time if you keep practicing tender and fierce self-compassion activities, your self-compassion will grow. If you make a mistake, great!, because treating yourself with tender self-compassion will allow you to move forward on your self-compassion journey with grace and understanding. You are not born self-compassionate or not, it is a skill that is learned over time and can be taught to anyone. There is no final destination, but the consistent practice of self-compassion yields many benefits.

7 Benefits of Self-Compassion

Reduces Comparing Behaviors. Self-compassion is a powerful tool to help you step out of the comparison trap. As parents, it is natural to create stories in our minds about why other parents might be better than us without real data. Social media has made this issue worse as it is all too easy to compare our real life with the edited versions some families put online. Self-compassion brings us back to self-kindness when comparing thoughts arise. Mindfulness helps us take a step back and realize that we are comparing our entire life to a part of someone else’s life that we can see at school drop off or on social media. Common humanity reminds us that other parents struggle too, we are all human.

Diminishes Shame. If we approach our suffering by saying and doing kind things for ourselves, we are more likely to move forward with less shame. By acknowledging that pain is a universal experience, it makes us feel less alone. Shame thrives on isolation, so connecting to our common humanity is an effective way to diminish shame.

Helps Self-Improvement Efforts. You might think that having high standards and beating yourself up if you “fall short” is the way to improve, but luckily that’s not the case. Driving ourselves to “be perfect” through self-criticism leads to burnout, fear of taking risks/decreased innovation, and lower self-esteem. In contrast, when we approach our mistakes with self-compassion we can more mindfully see our areas that need self-improvement and we are more likely to stick with challenging goals because we are kind to ourselves when there is a setback. In contrast, if you are motivated by self-criticism you are less likely to admit your areas of growth because you’re afraid to admit that you aren’t above average in all areas.

Clarifies Boundaries. As a therapist, I’m a natural empath. It’s so easy for me to identify with others, that sometimes it can be nerve-wracking to set a boundary that I think might hurt another person’s feelings. This is something I’ve worked on in my career, because an effective therapist has to be able to set and model healthy boundaries with clients. But, once I became a mother and that mama bear energy kicked it–setting boundaries became a lot easier. I was able to harness that feeling about protecting my children (the feeling that I didn't care about hurting other peoples’ feelings if it meant my children were safe), to other areas of my life such as friendships and work. Parents have a unique experience that helps clarify their boundaries with their children, and then other parts of their lives. This might make it easier to speak up at work about inequities, because you have more practice speaking for those that need to be uplifted.

Increases Presence. Mindfulness is a core component of self-compassion, and mindfulness is all about seeing clearly and nonjudgmentally in the present moment. When we practice self-compassion, we practice mindfulness.

You might do this by pausing and asking yourself these types of questions:

What feelings am I experiencing right now?
Where do I feel this feeling in my body?
If a friend were having the same experience, how would I react?

Mindful Self-Compassion Exercise:

Put your hand somewhere comforting, and say, “you just need to take care of this moment,” or, “I’m taking a breath to take care of myself.”

Fosters Connection. Part of tender self-compassion is common humanity. Parenting can be isolating at times, but even when we are physically separated we are connected through common parenting experiences. Taking time to connect with other parents that can relate to your joys and struggles breeds connection. You can read more about how to foster connection with other parents in the post, “11 Ways to Create Community as a Parent.”

Motivates Activism. Understanding that compassion is about relieving suffering motivates us to take action and volunteer in our community and donate to organizations that align with our core values. This might look like attending protests or amplifying the voices of people of color.

Self-compassion consists of tender and fierce aspects that benefit so many parts of our individual lives and the world. Some moments may call for soothing compassion, others may call for a fierce energy–and sometimes it’s a mix of both. If you want to learn more about how to harness the power of tender and fierce self-compassion, read Neff’s latest book, “Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive.”

“Compassion, then, involves the recognition and clear seeing of suffering. It also involves feelings of kindness for people who are suffering, so that the desire to help—to ameliorate suffering—emerges. Finally, compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.”
- Kristin Neff, PhD

May you continue your journey of compassion for yourself, your loved ones, and the world.

Self-Compassion + Mindfulness Resources

Self-Compassion Resources

Kristin Neff’s website includes blogs, trainings, free self-compassion activities, books, videos + more
Christopher Germers’s website offers free self-compassion meditation recordings
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion offers courses and workshops
The San Francisco Center for Self-Compassion offers therapy, workshops, self-compassion practices + a free self-compassion eBook

Books for Parents