The holidays can be a particularly difficult time to have a broken heart. Social media feeds seem to be packed with engagement photos or families in matching pajamas. Even if you limit your app time, those holiday cards are probably showing up in your mailbox. But, even in the most painful times, you can treat yourself with tenderness and compassion. You can surround yourself with loved ones, or build the community you need to cope. Healing is always possible. It won’t feel like this forever.

“There is no such thing as failure in love. Relationships end, but they don’t fail. Love is only a failure when you don’t learn and you don’t try.”
~ Amy Chan, Break Up Bootcamp

I’ve had the privilege to walk this path with clients over the past decade, and these are seven things that have often helped the healing process.

Prioritize the self-care fundamentals.

Feel all the feelings, and force yourself to do the self-care basics. Stay hydrated, eat regular meals and snacks (even if you don’t feel hungry), move for mental health, and keep up with any doctors or therapy appointments. Try to shower every day, brush your teeth twice a day, and keep a somewhat regular sleep schedule. This is easier said than done, and in the beginning there will be days this entire list doesn’t happen…but, it’s still important to keep the self-care basics top of mind. Each day is another opportunity to care for yourself in the most foundational way, and it will go a long way towards your healing. Everything is harder to manage when you haven’t eaten regularly or gotten enough sleep.

Allow yourself to grieve the dream.

In addition to the pain of no longer being with a person you love, there are also dreams and hopes from that relationship that need to be mourned. Let yourself sob, let yourself be sad, and try not to criticize yourself when waves of grief arise after you think you should be "over it." Grief is not a linear process, and different places, songs, anniversaries, and more can trigger new waves of grief.

Try to remind yourself that all of your tears are serving a purpose of release and healing, and that it's expected for grief to be an up and down process. You aren’t doing it wrong, you are worthy just as you are. Clients often share that they fear they have backtracked when new waves of grief arise, but rest assured even though the work is bumpy all of it counts. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, you are moving forward in your healing journey overall. The irony of the emotional process is that the more you fight the pain and sadness with thoughts of, “I should be over this,” the longer it takes for the emotion to move through you. Once you begin to trust that there is nothing wrong with your feelings, you will begin to move through the pain with less suffering.

Long ago, Buddhists created a formula Pain x Resistance = Suffering

“Painful feelings are, by their very nature, temporary. They will weaken over time as long as we don’t prolong or amplify them through resistance or avoidance. The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.”
- Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

FREE Intro to Mindfulness eBook

We can reduce suffering by intentionally trying to let go of our resistance to our emotions. Mindfulness is one of the most powerful ways to become more comfortable with a variety of emotions, because mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to what is happening in each moment without judgment. You can look at my mindfulness resources below to help you break down resistance to emotions that you find difficult to experience.

Act in the opposite.

When you are feeling sad, the natural inclination is to isolate yourself. However, too much isolation is not healthy. So, push yourself to connect with someone in your support system even when you want to be alone. It's not healthy for humans to be in pain, by themselves, for extended periods of time. This coping skill is from the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) approach.

Note: Make room for ugly tears at home on your couch AND push yourself to reach out to your support system to avoid isolation. Use tip number one and number two in tandem.

Let go of the timeline for moving on.

There is no formula for "getting over someone." It might take weeks, months, or years. There is no shame in taking your time in grieving the loss of an important relationship.

Continue to share with the safe people in your life how you are doing to challenge any shoulds or shame that might arise if a particular break up is very painful. As professor and author Brené Brown reminds us, sharing our story with safe people is the best way to disempower shame.

Thoughts are not necessarily facts.

You might be thinking, "I'll never find someone again," or you may wonder, "will I always feel this devastated?" Intense emotions and catastrophic thoughts are common during times of distress. However, our thoughts are often not a reliable source of factual information.

When these types of thoughts arise, consider this quote…

“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke

...and remind yourself that it's a fact that you cannot predict the future.

Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors all impact one another. By pausing and taking a moment to identify your thought as just one of the many thoughts we have every day or a thought that is also a fact is helpful. This practice can help disempower negative thoughts that tend to arise after a breakup. This in turn might shift future thoughts, feelings and behaviors in a healthier direction. These tools come from the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach that has been widely used to treat symptoms of depression and anxiety, among other mental health challenges.

Engage in healthy distractions (Hint: Get your Netflix on).

There is a difference between distraction and avoidance. Distraction is a way to give yourself a break from the intensity of certain emotions with the intention of revisiting those emotions when you feel safe and have enough coping skills to tolerate the discomfort.

Avoidance is burying our feelings without the intention of ever going back to heal. Getting lost is a comforting, funny or suspense-filled show that can be a healthy way to distract yourself!

Of course, there are other types of distraction that aren’t healthy, such as excessive alcohol consumption, overexercising, and under or overeating. Take some time to reflect on safe and nourishing activities that help give you a break from heartbreak.

Lean on your support system.

Lean on your friends, loved ones and perhaps a mental health provider for support during a difficult break up. If you are worried about being a burden, remind yourself how privileged you feel when someone you love feels comfortable enough to share their joys and challenges with you. It takes strength to ask for help, and when we share our authentic selves with safe people it builds more authentic and meaningful relationships.

Working with a therapist is also helpful for self-reflection, exploring coping skills, prioritizing self-care, and learning about relationship patterns and attachment styles that may help you move onto a relationship that is a better fit for you in the future.

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”
- Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

If you are experiencing a broken heart, I hope these suggestions will bring you some encouragement, inspiration, relief, and hope.

And because I believe self-care is a powerful way to take care of ourselves during all seasons of life, the go-to book I recommend for self-care during a broken heart is, “Self-Care for Tough Times: How to Heal in Times of Anxiety, Loss and Change,” by Suzy Reading. Another wonderful resource is, “Break Up Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart,” by Amy Chan.

Here’s to being compassionate, instead of critical, during the healing process!

Bonus Ideas and Resources to Heal After a Break Up

Online Quiz + Course Option

The Five Love Languages Quiz. Take this free quiz to learn more about how you like to receive and give love.
The Relationship Roadmap online course tackles attachment styles, communication and sex + intimacy. Great course to do whether you are in therapy or not.

Relationship Books Curated by Decoding Couples