6 Ways to Embrace Imperfect Help for Parents
Written by Kristi Yeh, LMFT
Before I became a parent I had heard the term maternal gatekeeping. It refers to when a parent prevents other caregivers (including their partner!) from getting involved in certain aspects of child rearing by telling them how to clean the bottles the “right” way, making fun of how they parent around friends (“can you believe they put on their pants backwards?!”), and stepping in to do bedtime when the other parent is available because it is “easier.” While either parent might gatekeeping, in the first months of a child’s life it is more likely to be the mother since the U.S. typically gives mothers a longer leave and they often do more feedings. As a therapist who was aware of this “trap” that many mothers can fall into, I smugly thought, “not me.”
I stayed home with my firstborn for five months before getting ready to return to work. I was not sleeping much, so I really looked forward to the weekends when my spouse was home more to help with our baby. I asked my spouse to take her for a walk so I could have a break one afternoon, and even though I asked for the break I would not let them leave without the perfect sunscreen application for our baby (mind you there was not much need for sunscreen since it was a chilly day and she was in the baby carrier). After my third attempt to control how my partner put on her sunscreen, he finally said, “you’ve gotta let me do this my own way.”
I would like to tell you that after that I never micro-managed my spouse’s caretaking again, but let’s not lie to each other. However, I did hear him at that moment and I realized it was something I wanted to change. Here are six things that helped me, and many parents I have had the honor to work with as a therapist, accept imperfect help.
1) Reflect on why it is hard to let go of control.
Gatekeeping is about trying to control how others interact with your child. In order to embrace imperfect help, you need to let go of some control. Some of us are more wired than others to want to control things in our lives, and different childhood experiences also impact that tendency. If you grew up in a household that was chaotic or did not have healthy boundaries, you might seek to create more structure in your life as an adult. You might have gotten a lot of positive feedback from “having it all together” in school or at work, and you want to “perform” that same way as a parent. You may worry that if you let others connect with your child that it will diminish your value as a parent. Becoming a parent is also a huge change, and it is beneficial for the survival of your child that you are vigilant about their care. However, if you realize those tendencies are not decreasing over time, you can get stuck in a pattern of hypervigilance that is no longer serving your family. There is no right answer, so take time to journal, think, and talk to your support system about why accepting imperfect help is a challenge.
2) Identify 2 to 3 non-negotiables and let the rest go.
I have said it all and heard it all from my friends and clients. They let the kids watch too much TV when I am out, they feed my kids “unhealthy” food, and they never put hats on the kids. Identify your 2-3 non-negotiables for when your partner has the kids without you, and then do your best to bite your tongue and let the rest go. Make sure your partner also shares their 2-3 non-negotiables with you to minimize resentment about having “rules” to be with their own kids. These non-negotiables will change over time as you and your kids change and grow. Keep the lines of communication open and update as needed.
3) Create your own accepting-imperfect-help mantra.
Take a deep breath, and repeat your why. Examples of a mantra could include:
“Accepting imperfect help allows me to rest more.”
“Allowing my partner to parent their way is empowering for them and helps my kids to learn flexibility.”
“I do not have to control it all, and that is a relief.”
“Every time I accept imperfect help, I am growing as a parent.”
“Look at me letting go, I’ve got this!”
The best mantras are the ones you create, using phrases you might use in everyday conversation. The more personal the mantra, the more lieky you are to believe it when you need to give yourself that reminder to let go.
4) Remind yourself of the benefits of accepting imperfect help instead of focusing on what could go wrong.
You may be right, you might do it better. But, that does not mean the way your partner or other caretakers do it is wrong or inferior. Focus on how your kids will learn to be adaptable by spending time with other caretakers, and remind yourself that this encourages a unique bond between your child and their other parent, grandparents, babysitters, etc.
Also, if we want to keep working towards sharing the parental workload we cannot also disparage and make fun of our partners caregiving style. Jumping in to save the day with your “expert” superparenting will overtime disempower and discourage your partner, and while that is not the intention behind gatekeeping it can be the result if left unchecked.
5) Come up with a signal for your partner to remind you when you are engaging in gatekeeping behaviors.
When you are both calm, identify a word, phrase or symbol that you are inviting your partner to use when you are engaging in gatekeeping behaviors. Of course, you can also use this phrase or signal with your partner as well, as both parents engage in gatekeeping from time to time.
6) Write it down and tell an accountability partner.
A study done by the Association for Training and Development demonstrates the impact of accountability. If you set an intention and a thoughtful plan to make it happen you are 50% more likely to follow through. If you share your intention with someone else you are 65% more likely to be successful, and if you make a date to do that activity with an accountability partner there is a 95% chance that you will do it!
In the spirit of accountability, download your free Gatekeeping No More Worksheet and share it with an accountability partner.
Allowing imperfect help is a worthwhile journey, because trying to do it all is a surefire recipe for burnout and resentment. Like all change, it is a process and it takes time. Treat yourself and your partner with compassion, and keep reminding each other why you are working so hard to share the parental workload! If you are interested in this topic, here are more resources you might find valuable.
Articles and Blogs:
Are You Guilty of Maternal Gatekeeping? by The Bump
Healing from Mom Burnout by Kristi Yeh in Peanut
Achieving Your Goals with An Accountability Partner by Action Buddy
Books:
Mommy Burnout by Sheryl Ziegler
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (about sharing the parental workload)
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Amelia Nagoski and Emily Nagoski (book summary by Parent Self-Care)
Kristi Yeh is a parent of two, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been practicing in California for over ten years. She currently works in school-based mental health at a public elementary and middle school. A part of Kristi’s role entails discussing self-care with parents. Research shows that the better the adults take care of themselves, the healthier our children are at home and school.
